1970's Bizarre Toy-O-Rama

One of the things that has always made the rest of Hollywood jealous of Walt Disney Studios is its seemingly endless revenue stream from licensed merchandise. Children of all ages love those famous Disney characters and Disney has always found ways to profit from that. It looks so easy that the other studios have often tried their hands at it, often forgetting that Disney's biggest advantage is having characters and shows that kids love.

Now kids did like Welcome Back, Kotter but did they like it enough to ask for a Mr. Kotter action figure?

"Dear Mattel- What were you thinking? Even I wouldn't buy an Epstein action figure. Sincerely, Epstein's Mother."

Probably not, though admittedly the Barbarino and Horshack action figures might have been popular. And remember that place you more than likely hate having to go to every morning, kids? Well we made a playset out of it!

"Corny Catskills one liners not included!"

Happy Days was a huge hit during its heyday and kids did love The Fonz a lot. But did any kid really want to own an Al Delvecchio figure? Sorry kid, but if this is the first gift you open on Christmas, you should probably lower your expectations for the remaining presents.

"I thought you liked that Happy Days show. Why are you crying?"

Then there are the toys that make one wonder if the studio licensing team is high on something. Did anyone honestly believe that kids would be clamoring for toys based on a show they most likely weren't allowed to watch? 20th Century Fox apparently did.

"The youth of today will love this action figure based on a cross dresser from a depressing dramedy!"

Admittedly, the M*A*S*H toys could have been intended for adults, but not many adults were collecting toys at the time. Besides, this box cover actually shows a child playing with the toy:

"Thanks for the toy, grandma! I'm going to be Hawkeye!"

If there's a more inappropriate franchise to base a toy line on, we certainly haven't seen it.

Bizarre TV Tie-Ins: Ralston Cereals

Imagine you're the breakfast cereal division of a company whose best known product is Dog and Cat food. How can you trick the kids into eating the one cereal you produce? Just repackage it constantly, licensing various cartoon and television characters to slap on the boxes!

Yes, that was the Ralston business model in the 1980's and 1990's- making the same cereal in different shapes with different popular characters on the boxes. This gimmick worked well for them; most of the licensed gimmicky cereal at the time came from Ralston, who were happy to get your mind off of the fact that they also produced your pet food.

In the case of the GI-Joe cereal based on the toy and cartoon franchise, they even hid the company name:

Girls shouldn't feel left out; Ralston pandered to them too:

In this case, cereal enjoyed by a disgusting, slimy ghost creature was preferable to promoting the fact that your dog's favorite chow was probably produced on the other side of the factory:

Got the munchies, stoners? Eat the cereal based on a TV cartoon for kids inspired by a movie with two drugged out losers:

Now if this TV tie-in isn't scraping the bottom of the barrel, it's pretty close:

This is quite possibly the bottom of the barrel, though it admittedly isn't based on a TV show. Let's see if the youth of today will buy cereal based on outdated comic strips that only the Matlock set still claim to read. Who'd buy this cereal? Not me!

"Good Times" Trading Cards

When one thinks about trading cards, one typically pictures items that children collect and enjoy. But many television shows in the 1970's and 1980's issued trading cards regardless of their appeal to children. Like the sitcom that inspired the name of this website- Good Times.

Kids might have found J.J to be funny, but the rest of the show was decidedly depressing. Despite the show's title, there was little that was good about the lives of the Evans family. This quote from a Saturday Night Live parody of the show sums it up quite well:

"Well, we actually didn't have school today. See, they ran out of books and my teacher got stabbed."

But someone with a passing interest in the show might not realize its depressing tone. These cards were for them.

Most of the cards featured J.J. and his one-liners.

Playboy of the projects? You're the man, J.J!

Scared of a letter from his principal? Hilarious! J.J what will you say next?

Um, that got dark fast. Pretty sure they wouldn't allow that card nowadays...

Okay, that's just- wrong? (We admit it- that one is fake.) Certainly the trading card companies learned to only choose appropriate subjects from now on, right?

Bizarre TV Tie-Ins: Archie Bunker's Grandson

When it comes to bizarre toys based on TV Shows, this one takes the cake. Introducing the craziest doll ever made- Archie Bunker's Grandson

Produced by Ideal Toys, which was a division of CBS at the time, this doll was controversial, but not for the reason you probably expect. People weren't upset that a doll based on an adult program featuring a racist old coot was being marketed to children; they were mad that this boy doll was anatomically correct. Ignoring that controversy for a minute, one wonders why anyone thought this toy would be a big seller. Imagine this box on a shelf at the local Woolco. What child would reach for the box featuring a leering old man on it? Based on the top picture on the side of the box, we can assume that this doll was indeed meant for children. Perhaps they figured lazy grandfathers, desperate to get something for the grandkids at the last minute, would pluck this doll off the shelf.

Whatever the thought process was, it was horribly wrong. This toy was not a huge success when originally released, but it is now highly sought after by toy collectors.

TV in the Lunchroom

The dream of any television producer is not just to make a successful show, but to make a successful show that will inspire the home audience to get themselves to the nearest Woolco or TG&Y in search of profitable tie-in merchandise. Since the primary goal of any television show is to attract a large enough audience to satisfy the advertisers, profits made from licensing merchandise is considered "found money" and is a highly lucrative side business. Since the beginning of the fall Season corresponds with "Back to School" time in the United States, lunch boxes featuring kids' favorite television characters have always been big sellers. Not every show lends itself to the lunchbox treatment, however; but that doesn't seem to stop Hollywood!

Take the groundbreaking sitcom Julia; while an integrated cast and a professional woman were great role models for kids, we have a sneaking suspicion that most of these lunch boxes were bought in a rush because school starts tomorrow, this was all that Zody's had left and 'the kids love watching that Julia show!'

The Brady Bunch was definitely a hit with kids, but this lunchbox looks like Thermos was purposely trying to make a kids product that no kids would actually want to buy.

Kids loved Emergency! because it showed fireman as the "real heroes" saving the world just in the nick of time. So why not scare the kids by reminding them of the terror that will ensue if they somehow climb ten stories at an unguarded construction site? Certainly looking at the terror-filled faces of the kids everyday will make for a cheerful lunch!

The flip side was even cheerier; a terrifying fire is depicted in the background while one hero readies a noose for some reason and a potentially dead victim lies in the street. Enjoy your lunch, kids!

The Waltons was a show about a family living through the depression that grandma made everyone watch when she visited the house. Chances are that these lunch boxes were mainly purchased as disappointing birthday gifts from grandma.

Young girls would become "empowered" by owning one of these Charlie's Angels lunch boxes. At least, that's what dad told mom when she found one of these hiding in the back of dad's closet.

Not every tie-in worked out, however. When the network licensed these Mr. Merlin lunch boxes, they were undoubtedly engaged in extreme wishful thinking. After all, what the hell is Mr. Merlin and why does it apparently star Stan Lee and Amanda Bearse?