TV Cliches- "You Give Me Fever"

Do you have a woman in your script who has (ahem) loose morals? Want to know the quickest way to let your audience know that she is supposed to be the town tramp? Other than dressing her like a teenage talk show guest, (Next on The Maury Povich Show: “Maury, help me with my wild teen!”) there’s another surefire way to drill this fact into your audience’s head- get her in a red dress and have her sing or dance to the song “Fever”.

I’m sure you’ve seen this on too many movies and TV shows to count. (Married… With Children had Kelly Bundy do this in its third season, but I think we already knew by then that Al’s Little Girl was “Open for Business”.) Either we see the spectacle happen early on in the film or show to establish that this woman is a “friendly girl” or else it is used to symbolize a change in a bookish woman’s demeanor. After all, how many times have we seen straight-laced schoolmarms or librarians take off their glasses and rip off their conservative clothing to reveal a tight-fitting red dress, all done to the tune of “Fever”?

Many people have commented on how a quick way to make money in the music industry is to write a Christmas song that takes off, then sit back and watch the money roll in. I would imagine that an even better way to rake in the cash would be to write a new song that could be used by Hollywood as a replacement to “Fever.” Until then, I would imagine that the people who own the rights to that song are happy that Hollywood movies and television shows are still full of sex crazed women- and written by lazy writers.

Five More Things You Can Do on TV But Not in Real Life

Recover From A Misunderstanding!

The wacky folks on TV are always getting into misunderstandings. Whether it is the husband who mistakenly gropes the wrong woman’s ass, (She looked like my wife from behind!) the guy who accidentally goes into the women’s restroom (I was blinded by the lemon my buddy squirted in my eye!) or the fool who somehow finds himself naked in a public place, TV misunderstandings always seem to work out in the end. The embarrassed culprit often gets away with just a shrug or at worst, a slap across the face. Sometimes the victim even loves the attention! (Typically this person is revealed to be extremely ugly or desperate.) In real life, the culprit would most likely find himself locked away in jail for quite some time, his claims of it being a misunderstanding falling on deaf ears.

Shoot your gun indiscriminately!

In the world of TV, undercover agents, private investigators and just about anyone, actually, can indiscriminately shoot their gun just about anywhere without ever having to worry about the legal repercussions. Bystanders duck and run away, but never actually summon the police. Despite endangering innocent people and causing untold property damage, the “hero” can just walk away quickly and never have to answer for their misbehavior. In real life? The “hero” would become a wanted man, eventually finding himself in a nice little jail cell.

Be a huge pain in the ass without alienating your friends!

On TV even the most annoying jerks are surrounded by tons of friends. Anti-social? Shut in? Obnoxious? Despite behavior that would seemingly make sane people run for the exits, every eccentric, annoying, disgusting person on TV is surrounded by fun friends who tolerate all their quirks. In real life? Mr. and/or Mrs. Annoying would live their life alone, eventually being discovered dead by a mailman who noticed their piled up mail.

Operate a business with no customers!

A disproportionate number of people on TV own their own businesses. And a disproportionate number of those businesses seem to be doing well despite their lack of customers. Staffed by snarky employees who continually harass the customers and chase away business, it seems that these businesses might be on the brink of failure, yet despite all of these problems, their doors stay open. In the real world? After the smartass employees chased away all the customers, the doors would quietly close, leaving a bankrupt and ruined businessperson.

Live well with no discernible income!

Many people on TV live great lives in comfortable homes, surrounded by loving family and friends. Despite their apparent wealth, however, these TV residents have no apparent job that would explain their lavish lifestyle. Even if they do, they are rarely shown actually working, though they may occasionally mention “the office” as an abstract concept. In real life? Yeah, they’d probably be homeless.

Five Things You Can Do on TV, But Not in Real Life

Slap a Cop!

Grieving parents are always welcome to slap any cop they want to on TV with no repercussions. That’s because they are “mourning”, “not themselves” or “still dealing with their grief”. Often, the heroic police officer or detective will wave off his or her fellow cops who begin to intervene in their defense, taking the blow ‘like a man’. However, if the officer tries to defend him or herself and promises to press charges, he or she will quickly become the villain and won’t find one witness willing to assist in the arrest of the slapper. (Despite the offense having taken place in a crowded squad room full of witnesses that stopped to watch the proceedings.) In real life? The slapper would be on a bus to jail in time for a free dinner on the taxpayers.

Act Like A Total Jerk At Any Business!

On television commercials, people get away with the most annoying and obnoxious behavior. Want to run over a store’s employees to get to a ‘sale’? Why not? Want to treat sales assistants and fellow customers with no respect? Sure! Customers on commercials can act like complete jerks and their behavior is often rewarded with special sale prices, extra service and smiles. In real life? Try acting like one of the morons in a fast food company’s commercials and you’ll get something extra alright, but we’re pretty sure it will be a “special sauce” that you won’t actually like. Act like a jerk in a bank or a store and you’ll probably find yourself getting not a smile and a shrug, but a nice ride downtown with a police officer.

Dress For Work Any Way You Want!

On TV, there’s no such thing as a dress code for any workplace, so you can dress any way you want, no matter what job you have! That’s why women crime scene investigators can wear low cut tops and high heels while the guys can dress like total slobs or night club lounge lizards if they so choose. In fact, most television crime scenes look like a night at the Roxbury, with the investigators looking more like prostitutes and pimps than the actual prostitutes and pimps being investigated. In real life? Dress like any random TV man or woman and you’ll probably find yourself with plenty of time on your hands after you get fired.

Sass Back To Your Boss!

It’s a time honored tradition on television; the sassy employee who lets his or her boss know how stupid he or she is every moment of the day. Quick with a one liner, these outspoken employees rarely get fired because their bosses appreciate their quick wit and sense of humor. In real life? Sass back to your boss and he or she will certainly make sure that you have tons of time to come up with new one-liners – especially after you get fired.

Stalk Your Favorite D-List Celebrity And Get Rewarded For It!

Every 80′s sitcom eventually used the following plot during Sweeps Month: a character suddenly decides that he or she is a huge fan of some D-List actor, actress or rock star who coincidentally is in town this week. He or she vows to track down the celebrity to his or her hotel room to get an autograph. They scheme with a friend and their plan is almost successful until hotel security apprehends them. As the stalker gets carted away, the celebrity just happens to walk by and orders the fan released and invites him or her for an amazing after party. Of course, by next week’s episode, the extreme fan conveniently forgets that he or she ever loved the celebrity and never mentions the encounter ever again. In real life? Well, we’re pretty sure that law enforcement and restraining orders would probably be involved were you to even think about trying this.

TV Cliches: "When I Retire..."

Whenever anyone in a television show or movie is close to retirement and is shown talking about his or her plans:

He or she is as good as dead: