Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Five Things You Can Do on TV, But Not in Real Life

Slap a Cop!

Grieving parents are always welcome to slap any cop they want to on TV with no repercussions. That’s because they are “mourning”, “not themselves” or “still dealing with their grief”. Often, the heroic police officer or detective will wave off his or her fellow cops who begin to intervene in their defense, taking the blow ‘like a man’. However, if the officer tries to defend him or herself and promises to press charges, he or she will quickly become the villain and won’t find one witness willing to assist in the arrest of the slapper. (Despite the offense having taken place in a crowded squad room full of witnesses that stopped to watch the proceedings.) In real life? The slapper would be on a bus to jail in time for a free dinner on the taxpayers.

Act Like A Total Jerk At Any Business!

On television commercials, people get away with the most annoying and obnoxious behavior. Want to run over a store’s employees to get to a ‘sale’? Why not? Want to treat sales assistants and fellow customers with no respect? Sure! Customers on commercials can act like complete jerks and their behavior is often rewarded with special sale prices, extra service and smiles. In real life? Try acting like one of the morons in a fast food company’s commercials and you’ll get something extra alright, but we’re pretty sure it will be a “special sauce” that you won’t actually like. Act like a jerk in a bank or a store and you’ll probably find yourself getting not a smile and a shrug, but a nice ride downtown with a police officer.

Dress For Work Any Way You Want!

On TV, there’s no such thing as a dress code for any workplace, so you can dress any way you want, no matter what job you have! That’s why women crime scene investigators can wear low cut tops and high heels while the guys can dress like total slobs or night club lounge lizards if they so choose. In fact, most television crime scenes look like a night at the Roxbury, with the investigators looking more like prostitutes and pimps than the actual prostitutes and pimps being investigated. In real life? Dress like any random TV man or woman and you’ll probably find yourself with plenty of time on your hands after you get fired.

Sass Back To Your Boss!

It’s a time honored tradition on television; the sassy employee who lets his or her boss know how stupid he or she is every moment of the day. Quick with a one liner, these outspoken employees rarely get fired because their bosses appreciate their quick wit and sense of humor. In real life? Sass back to your boss and he or she will certainly make sure that you have tons of time to come up with new one-liners – especially after you get fired.

Stalk Your Favorite D-List Celebrity And Get Rewarded For It!

Every 80′s sitcom eventually used the following plot during Sweeps Month: a character suddenly decides that he or she is a huge fan of some D-List actor, actress or rock star who coincidentally is in town this week. He or she vows to track down the celebrity to his or her hotel room to get an autograph. They scheme with a friend and their plan is almost successful until hotel security apprehends them. As the stalker gets carted away, the celebrity just happens to walk by and orders the fan released and invites him or her for an amazing after party. Of course, by next week’s episode, the extreme fan conveniently forgets that he or she ever loved the celebrity and never mentions the encounter ever again. In real life? Well, we’re pretty sure that law enforcement and restraining orders would probably be involved were you to even think about trying this.