Ten Fake Revelations from Laura Ingalls Wilder’s Uncensored Auto-Biography

10. Her adopted brother Albert? Yeah, totally Charles' illegitimate son.

9. That 'Little House'? More like a 'Little Whorehouse'.

8. In actuality, Mary didn't go blind- Albert did. Albert was trying to “make his own entertainment” too many times if you catch our drift…

7. Nellie Oleson was actually quite nice. Laura Ingalls was the real bitch.

6. Charles & Caroline Ingalls? Totally swingers.

5. Doctor Baker was most definitely a 'confirmed bachelor'

4. Nels Oleson sold pictures of saucy women exposing their ankles under the counter of his store.

3. Mr. Edwards was really Charles Ingalls' “longtime companion.”

2. In actuality, the “Harriet Oleson School for the Blind” was really a synagogue and Charles Ingalls was the guy who burned it down because of his Anti-Semitism.

1. Laura Ingalls' sexcapades make Lindsay Lohan look like Mother Teresa.

Ten Signs Jerry Springer is Going Soft

10. ‘Two bit hos’ no longer welcome on his show.
  9. He makes his staff tell the transsexual stripper to keep “her” clothes ON.
  8. He throws a chair at the Klansman during “Klanfrontation” but you can tell he really isn’t into it.
  7. He really cares about the feelings of the “zero who got dumped for a hero”.
  6. Television decency protestors stop complaining about his show and start complaining about             Oprah being “out of control by comparison”.
  5. Ozzy Osbourne stops watching the show. (When he figures out the remote control, that is.)
  4. ABC plans “Jerry Springer goes to Disneyland” special.
  3. “Next on Jerry Springer: ‘My name is Maya Angelou and I want to recite my poetry!’”
  2. Jerry Fallwell promotes new DVD called “Jerry Springer: Too Mild For TV!”
  1. “Next on Jerry Springer: ‘My name is Alan Greenspan and I want to discuss monetary policy!’”

Ten Bad Ideas for Children's Shows

10. “Marijuana Shortcake”

9. “Fat Albert and the Commune Kids”

8. “Steven Spielberg presents The Pyromaniacs”

7. “Booze Clues”

6. “Mighty Morphin Flower Arrangers”

5. “Crackhouse Rock”

4. “Scooby Doo”

3. “George Michael’s Playhouse”

2. “The Little Frenchmaid”

1. “Jerry Springer’s Muppet Babies”

Ten Changes on HBO's Sesame Street

Ten Changes on HBO's Sesame Street

10. Producers no longer have to bleep Oscar the Grouch's F-Bombs.

9. Prairie Dawn's “Wardrobe Malfunctions” can now air un-blurred.

8. Coming Soon to HBO: Sesame Street- After Dark

7. Bert and Ernie can finally “make it legal.”

6. Guy Smiley can now walk around without pants.

5. Snuffleupagus' protection racket can now be shown on the air.

4. Producers no longer have to bleep Oscar the Grouch's C-Bombs.

3. HBO will now allow “Puppet on Puppet” action.

2. Next week on HBO's Sesame Street: Elmo Gets Even

1. Goodbye Sesame Street- Hello Avenue Q!

Fake Facts About Abe Vigoda

* Abe Vigoda is not older than Moses, but they did go to high school together.

* Abe Vigoda can only estimate his age due to his being born before modern calendars were invented.

* When Abe Vigoda was born, New York was still called "New Amsterdam" and the invention of trains was a distant dream.

* Abe Vigoda was there when Apples were invented. (The fruit, not the computers)

* Abe Vigoda's first role was broadcast on CBS- The CaveWall Broadcast Network.

The (Fake) Knowledge of SVU's Detective Tutuola

Fake Vintage TV Facts

Fake Vintage TV Facts

Little known fact: Sarah Jessica Parker’s father is Hollywood legend Mr. Ed.

Ricky Ricardo’s original job of drug kingpin was changed to bandleader after objections from the network.

“Bea Arthur” is actually Jack Klugman in drag.

Jack Albertson did not realize his performance in Chico and the Man was being recorded.

Charlotte Rae left The Facts of Life when producers rejected her idea to have Mrs. Garrett hold a key party.

To this day, Maya Angelou is still upset about losing the role of “Aunt Esther” in Sanford & Son to LaWanda Page.

Hugh Beaumont misunderstood his agent when asked if he wanted to be in Leave it to Beaver with Barbara Billingsley.

False rumors of Robert Reed’s sexuality were spread to prevent fans from finding out about his affair with Ann B. Davis

Robert Reed and Ann B. Davis’ love child was introduced onto The Brady Bunch as “Cousin Oliver”.

William Shatner was reunited with a Star Trek castmate years later when he chose one of the tribbles to be his new toupee.

Due to special effects constraints, every murder victim from the first season of Perry Mason had to actually be killed.

The first season of Sex and the City was actually thrown together with unused scripts from the TV classic Mr. Ed.

The Love Boat spinoff Divorce Barge was unsuccessful and mostly forgotten

FCC regulations required that Charo be given a guest starring role in every TV show produced in the 1970′s.

In the original Petticoat Junction pilot, the Shady Rest hotel was a bordello and Kate’s “daughters” were her “girls”

Sarah Jessica Parker’s first television role was on Little House on the Prairie, playing a horse.

Fake Tabloid TV Quotes

"Uh oh! Sarah Jessica Parker is considering taking Extreme Measures to stop people who say she looks like a horse. Ms. Parker believes that Smart People still find her attractive and that she is within Striking Distance of silencing those who say she’s an ugly woman. It may take some Hocus Pocus for her to change her reputation, however, but Somewhere, Tomorrow she may prevail over her critics."

“Linda Blair needs an Exorcist to eliminate the bad spirits that haunt her finances. It seems her creditors are raising a Ruckus over her unpaid bills and her house may end up Repossessed. Will she be able to say All is Normal, or will she be Zapped Again and end up on the street?”

"Apparently controversy Runs in the Family when it comes to Michael Douglas. His son was caught dealing drugs, contributing to the drug Traffic that afflicts the United States. Michael’s Basic Instinct was to hire a lawyer and tell his son to Don’t Say a Word. Will prosecutors be able to convince a jury that Michael’s son is guilty Beyond a Reasonable Doubt or will the younger Douglas end up a Solitary Man in prison? Only time will tell if his son will end up Falling Down or Shining Through.

"Full Disclosure- Demi’s life is not Flawless these days! She’s made some bad Choices and A Few Good Men have been a bad influence on her. If These Walls Could Talk, they’d say that Demi has used little Wisdom in choosing who to share her Bedrooms with. Her family is rallying around her, making sure she’s safe in a General Hospital. Hopefully her Mortal Thoughts will disappear and she’ll clean herself up to prevent becoming a Ghost!”

“John Travolta is in a Face Off with his accusers! John says anyone accusing him of gay shenanigans is engaging in some Pulp Fiction and that they are telling Basic lies about him! He and his wife are taking the controversy Moment By Moment and are thinking of taking A Civil Action against the masseuses making these allegations. Will John’s life go back to being Perfect or will it resemble a Battlefield Earth?”

Ten Things NBC's "Today Show" Can Do To Stop its Ratings Slide

10. “Accidentally” let ladies have “wardrobe malfunctions” in front of the glass studio.

9. Let Ann Curry return to beat the crap out of Matt Lauer.

8. Get ABC or CBS to pick up the show.

7. Get Dolly Parton to “accidentally” show her whoppers on live TV.

6. Have corporate parent Comcast “accidentally” shut off all other channels except NBC.

5. Get Dick Wolf to produce “Law & Order: Today”

4. Call in Jane Pauley…….. Maybe she’ll have some ideas about what to do.

3. Begin the thawing of J. Fred Muggs.

2. Host a singing competition! That’s what the young people want to see!

1. Change everything… Except for Matt Lauer. He has naked pics of the Comcast CEO.

Upfronts Week: Ten Rejected Pilots

10. Charlie Manson’s Angels
9. The Kathie Lee Mysteries
8. Misdemeanor, She Wrote
7. Dog the Tax Accountant
6. Everybody loves Carrot Top
5. Little Hookers, Big Bordello
4. The Shopping List
3. America’s Next Top Librarian
2. Diagnosis: Narcolepsy
1. Tepid in Cleveland

Upfronts Week: Parade Magazine's Inside Look

The so-called 'Big Three' networks will be choosing which television shows get 'renewed' for next season. Which of your favorites are facing a future as uncertain as Charo's crazy accent? Find out here!

 

Matlock: This exciting mystery show is a hit with our readers, but seeing as how it has been off the air for almost twenty years and its star Andy Griffith is dead, things don't look good for its return.

 

Mary Tyler Moore: This show's controversial premise- a young lady living unescorted in a big city- might have caught up with it. Miss Moore's brazen hussy might get the boot.

 

Murder, She Wrote: Unbelievably, the greatest show in the history of television may get 'canceled' because it's core audience is not seen as being 'with it.' So get to the nearest 'super-market' and support the show's advertisers by buying their products, like Maypo, Berdahl Oil Fixative and AYDS Diet Candy.

 

Lawrence Welk Show: Luckily this wholesome staple of television will return, only now it will appear on the so-called 'National Educational Television.' Enjoy this delightful cavalcade of music and fun where the young ladies don't dress like common trollops.

Ten Fake Rejected TV Pilots

10. Charlie Manson’s Angels
9. The Kathie Lee Mysteries
8. Misdemeanor, She Wrote
7. Dog the Tax Accountant
6. Everybody loves Carrot Top
5. Little Hookers, Big Bordello
4. The Shopping List
3. America’s Next Top Librarian
2. Diagnosis: Narcolepsy
1. Tepid in Cleveland